There’s a lot of speculation over why it is that movie ticket sales are down. Well, producers and execs, perk your ears and listen up because I’m about to lay it all out for it you.
It starts from the second you pick your seat in the theater. If you’re lucky, you can get the best seat in the house, front and center, with only your best friend to your left and a bucket of popcorn to your right. You prop up your feet and get ready to watch some action-packed previews of upcoming crime-fighting dramas starring Tom Cruise and/or talking hamsters. In the middle of the preview for Mission Impossible VII: Escape from the Cage, in walks Marge Simpson. She scans the theater, scopes out her options, and finally makes the decision to plant herself directly in the seat in front of you. There goes your footstand along with any hope of comfortably watching the movie.
Then comes the commentary from your friend. There’s the “Hey, that actor looks so familiar. Where is he from?” And then there’s the conspiracy theories: “I think the mom is the killer.” “We’re watching Alice in Wonderland. There is no killer.” “Ya, I know, but still.”
The climax of the movie comes around an hour later. You start to get this jolting feeling in your stomach. No, it’s not your excitement building up over the movie; it’s your bladder. An extra large Icee doesn’t sound like such a good idea anymore, now does it?
All in all, I think we’re better off passing on the movie theater experience and just waiting for the DVD. No Marge Simpsons, no gum under your seat, and a pause button. Can’t ask for anything more.
1000 Heathen Things 