#302 – Traffic

When you live in Los Angeles, there are some things you come to accept. Parking tickets, hipsters in fedoras, and self-entitled “mixologists” all become commonplace. But LA traffic is in a league of its own. Anyone who has sat on the 405 with their parking brake on knows what it means to cycle through a flurry of emotions, most of which can get you a standing prescription for Zoloft. Just put the gun down and try not to kill yourself long enough to read through this post. Here are the stages that all traffic victims go through:

Denial: “This isn’t happening. This isn’t happening. This isn’t happening.” FYI, it is. It’s really happening. Prepare to spend the next two hours of your life trapped in a car listening to hyped up overly-processed music to pump you up for your 3 mph drive home.

Anger: “Who the hell drops a Christmas tree on the freeway in the middle of March?” This feeling is also known as “road rage,” only swerving and honking is replaced by alternating between frustrated crying and banging your head on the steering wheel.

Bargaining: “Are you there, God? It’s me, Lara. God, if you get me out of this, I promise I’ll be a better person. Ok, I’ll start to be a better person. Or I’ll start to try to be a better person. Fuck it. I’m a terrible person and I’m never going to change, am I? Yup, sounds about right. Sorry to bother you, God. You can go back to chilling on clouds and playing the harp or whatever it is you do up there.”

Depression: “No – fucking – way.” What was supposed to be rush hour has now become rush HOURS. Just sink back into your seat and do some finger stretching and wrist turning, because that’s about as mobile as you can be at this point, both as a car and as a person.

Acceptance: Eerily similar to a zombie-like state, this is when you come to terms with the fact that the next few hours of your life are going to be spent sitting in a virtual parking lot with a Doritos truck to your left and a chain smoker to your right. But it’s going to be okay. It’s almost over. You only have to deal with this tomorrow morning. And tomorrow night. And for the other four days of the week. And for the rest of your life.

These stages may sound similar to you. That’s because they’re the same as the five stages of dying. Coincidence? I think not. Unless you have some affiliation to a copyright, in which case… Coincidence? I think so. Happy driving!

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