#301 – Inspirational Quotes

The purpose of inspirational quotes should be just that–to inspire. What they inspire me to do is wish for the day when teenagers would still write in private diaries instead of googling quotes to post on their MySpace/Facebook pages. Let’s work our way down the list of the top 5 most uninspiring inspirational quotes you’ll see:

#5 It’s really not all that inspiring to realize that 2 Egg McMuffins and a family-size bag of Doritos later, you’re definitely worse off today than you were yesterday. When your comparison rating has a steeper downward slope than the Dow Jones, it’s time to just call it a day, every day.

#4 Einstein has forever given high school dropouts an excuse to act like there’s still hope for them to prove their genius. But unless one of them is going to discover some hybrid material between paper and plastic (plaper©), I’m pretty sure Einstein was more the exception than the rule. He may have been “passionately curious”, but so is my 2-year-old cousin, and all he’s discovered is how to break anything worth owning within a five mile radius.

 #3 “Those who matter” usually fall in the category of your professors, your boss, and pretty much anyone else in a position of authority, and there usually isn’t an open stage set up for you to air out your true feelings there. Also, I mind and I matter. Theory debunked. Try again, Dr. Seuss.

#2 If you shoot for the theoretical moon, you won’t land among the stars; you’ll land among all the other people who tried and failed to do the same thing you’re trying to do because they’re the same degenerates who believe in quotes like this.

#1 And rounding off the top 5 is a classic by the always overrated Marilyn Monroe. Yes, everyone has their ups and downs, their bests and their worsts. But seeing as how you were a basketcase, a drug addict, and apparently suicidal, your worst doesn’t seem worth handling. Turns out even you couldn’t handle your worst. Now your best is being tattooed on Megan Fox’s forearm and being quoted by 14-year-old girls everywhere. A true inspiration.

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