They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away. But with everything from Splenda to Diet Coke to pancakes being the cause of cancer (allegedly), it’s going to take a lot more than a Granny Smith to keep you from a visit to the doctor. But no matter which doctor you go to, there’s always a recurring theme among all of their offices. The waiting area is always stocked with all the essentials to make your 45 minute wait time seem like just a brisk 44 minutes. You can use that time to check out a tattered issue of the forever classic Highlights magazine or read some old issue of Time and catch up on the current events of the decade before (We’re invading Iraq?). Once your name is finally called, you get to go in to see the doctor—well, theoretically. In reality, it’s really just a smaller version of the waiting room you just left. The doctor finally comes in half an hour later, and you get down to serious business. “Are you allergic to any medications?” No. “Any major surgeries?” Nope. “Any relatives with heart disease?” What is “No”? “Okay, great! You’re all set. Just go back out to the front desk and speak with the nurse.” Nurse: “That’ll be $100.” Can I have RIP-OFFS for $2000, please, Mr. Trebek? Oooh, I got the Daily Double!